Boysenberry

Conspiring to inflict pie on unsuspecting civilians is a terrorist act.

The difficulty, as usual, is in identifying terrorist pie from non-threatening civilian pie. You can’t just arrest everyone caught carrying around pie, or you’d have to close down food counters across the country.

Some pies are clearly terrorist. For example, boysenberry pie is obviously terrorist. No one knows what boysenberries are, where they come from, what they’ve been up to. The name alone is suspicious. What’s a boysen, and why isn’t it spelled boison? You can’t trust a berry that isn’t spelled properly.

Apple pie, by definition, is wholesome and innocent. You can trust an apple pie, unless, of course, it’s been spending suspicious amounts of time in Nigeria and Yemen. Which is not to say Yemeni pie is necessarily terrorist, just that you have to use extra precautions.

And that’s where the real trouble starts. Pie profiling is an iniquitous activity, the slippery slope towards outright discrimination. Next thing you know, it’s OK to make pie jokes, as if pies didn’t have rights like the rest of us.

“Three pies walk into a bar … a Jewish pie, an Irish pie and a black pie…”

Which is why we have to be careful about pies, and how we treat them. Thank God Gerry Byrne has spotted the problem, and is out ahead of it. Liberals always know the issues that are close to Canadian hearts.

Pie. It’s what Liberals are all about/Pie, c’est vrai Liberal

Kelly McParland
National Post